You Smell Goooood

So I was never blessed with one of those talents that displays well in talent shows in middle school, like baton twirling, hoola hooping or singing.  I actually have discovered a talent of mine much later in life and I’m not sure if it’s really a talent or not, but it is something I’m good at that never comes in handy.  Isn’t that the definition of a talent?

I can tell what someone ate for lunch by merely smelling his or her burp.

I never said it was a talent I was proud of, but sometimes you can’t deny that something special exists.

I was just blessed with a really great nose.  Not my actual original nose as I got that shit fixed when I was 18, but my sense of smell is killer.  I can smell things that people don’t normally pick up on and it’s not just saying “Ew, something smells bad,” because obviously we can all identify a fart when it is present, but I can distinguish things like types of perfumes or even specific foods.

When I used to be a receptionist, I would pass the time by playing a little game with myself and the delivery guys.  When lunches would get delivered, I would guess what was in the bag and then I would make the guys look at the receipt and tell me if I got it right.  The Japanese delivery guys were the least fun because they would just smile and nod at me when I talked to them, but it’s pretty easy to guess what’s in their bags so I won’t waste time on them.  “Burger.  Fries.  Pickle.” I’d say and the guy would show me the receipt to prove that I was right.  The pickle wasn’t on the receipt but I knew that sucker was in there.  Pickles are easy.

Seeing the little Mexican man smile when I guess the right food just warms my insides. I bet it’s kind of like when a pervert hears the sound of an ice cream truck in the distance, but I really wouldn’t know. I think I watch too much Law and Order SVU.

A harder version of this game was when employees would whip past my desk and all I was left with was the faint trail of their lunch.  “Chicken Tikka Massala!”  I would say to myself and I knew I was right.

Another positive to having a great sense of smells is my appreciation for great smelling people.  I think one of the nicest compliments a person can give another person is to tell them that they smell good. It’s like a thank you for taking care of yourself and making the world a little better.

People have their lists of things they find attractive in the opposite sex and my list consists of 3 things.

Great Sense of Humor.

Great Teeth.

Great Smell.

What is sexier than a guy who smells great?  Do you not want to be as close to them as possible?  In their skin?  Okay!  It’s the complete opposite of how far away you want to be from a cabbie.

I also love women that smell great.  I guess I am bisexual when it comes to scents.  I just find it really attractive.  I’m not going to go ahead and marry a woman because she smells delicious, but we can definitely sit next to each other at the movies and I’d let her put her arm around me.

One of my FAVORITE scents was Marc Jacobs Violet Splash.

I say was because it was a limited-edition.  I bought it not knowing this and when I was starting to run low, I began to panic.  I saw them all the time in stores when I still had some left, but obviously when I needed more I couldn’t find them anymore.  This is how a cokehead feels. I searched for it everywhere and no one had it anymore.  I even went as far as contacting Marc Jacobs Corporate to ask them if they could re-continue it because I just love it so much.  They sent me a letter back and I saved it for some stupid reason.  Probably because you can’t burn an email. I added my thoughts.  I think you can tell which are which.

“Alexa,

Thank you for asking about our limited edition Marc Jacobs VIOLET Splash.  We’re sorry to disappoint you, but no date for future re-introduction has been established (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) and unfortunately all warehouse inventory has been depleted. (BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN – I FEEL LIKE A LOVED ONE JUST DIED)

Our decision to stop making a product is based on market trends.  (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE  – I BOUGHT SO MANY) While we would like to be able to keep everyone’s favorites, it’s just not possible. (I’M A CUSTOMER – MAKE IT POSSIBLE!)  Please note that all Marc Jacobs Splashes are limited edition. (NOW YOU TELL ME!!!)

Coty is always introducing new products as a result of consumer feedback.  We feel strongly that listening to consumers like you helps us to improve.  (DID YOU LISTEN? NO!) You can be certain that we will share your comments with our Marketing Department. (BULLSHIT)

We hope you will continue to select and enjoy Coty products. (FUCK YOU)

Vanessa Pelnar (VANESSA, YOU SMELL)
Coordinator
Coty Inc Global Consumer Affairs
1-800-715-4023 (US & Puerto Rico only)
WWW.COTY.COM

Reference Number 010041230A”

It was a sad day.  I might be tearing a little as I type this.  I actually saved what little I have left and I sprayed it the other day and it was like all the good memories came flooding back.  It was the greatest reunion I’ve ever been to.  I was a lot less drunk at this one than at my High School Reunion.  And I remember everything. Score 1 for the home team!

Moral of this story – If ANY OF YOU get your hands on a MARC JACOBS VIOLET SPLASH, you must BUY IT and GIVE IT TO ME or YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD WILL CURSED WITH PERMANENT CABBIE SMELL. No pine tree air freshener will ever help you.

Also, burp in my face. I dare you.

The End. 🙂

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1 Comment

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One response to “You Smell Goooood

  1. Dad

    One of your best!!! I totally agree.

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