Urine Luck,

because boy do I have some advice for you!

But first left me discuss how stupid I am.

Over a week ago, I noticed I was not feeling myself.  Extremely fatigued, sweating more than usual, but it was just starting to really get hot out and I thought I was just due for a haircut.  The next day I go for a walk with my sister and dad and I am sweating like the fatties on the first day they hit the Biggest Loser Ranch.  I work out a few days a week and regularly sweat through my clothes at a weekly yoga class, so I am used to working out, but this walk that can only be described as a brisk shuffle was kicking my ass.  I just keep getting more and more tired.  Fast forward to that evening and I awake in my bed, drenched in sweat, with a 101.8 fever.  Assuming it’s just a little 24 hr bug, I let it continue for the next few days…you know, sometimes we need time to heal?

I begin thinking that my body is just not adjusting to the heat wave.  My apartment doesn’t have central air so I figure my sweating and fevers are due to my a/c being inadequate. Why is no one else sweating in my icebox of an office?  What?  You’re freezing?  How do I have a mustache made of sweat?  This is odd.

I hoped going to bed at 9pm for three nights in a row would really show this “bug” who’s boss, but no, it just fought back with a dull throbbing pain in my lower left back and turned my urine from the shade of a banana to more of the shade of well, a chocolate covered banana.  It may be too much to share, but this is the honesty blog remember?  Someone’s gonna learn from my self torture and oversharing.

So it’s over a week later and I’m still getting the fevers, the pains and the pees. It takes an angry phone call from my mom to get me to call the doctor and get an appointment right away. (First I had to find a doctor because I take such good care of myself! I’ve lived in NYC since the summer of 2008!)

I think my worst fear about going to the doctor, is him finding nothing wrong with me (medically ;)), and me being a pansy who whined too much.  Instead I want to be strong like bull, fighting sickness with the only weapon I have.  Stubbornness.

I get to the doctor, read him the symptoms off the trusty list I jotted down, pee in the cup (and thank God it’s the color I claimed it was for fear of being called on my lies) and the doctor tests the urine.

“Wowww, you have a WHOPPING urine infection!” said the doctor.

YOU HEARD IT RIGHT!  My urine is whopping! Oooooh yeahhhh!  He even said wow. I love surprising people.

And no, I’m sad to say it’s not the same as a UTI from having too much sex. (If only!) (Hi Dad.)

He then told me that I waited far too long to come see him and that the infection had already started moving to my kidneys, hence the pain.

(Positive note: Now I know where my kidneys are!)

Don’t worry guys, it’s not serious.  Nothing a little antibiotics and cranberry juice can’t fix. My doctor even suggested I mix a little vodka in it!  Does he have a son???  Calm down, Alexa.  I’m sorry.

The moral of the story is, listen to your Mom.  She knows when your kidneys are infected and she’ll call you a stupid ass to your face for not going to see a doctor earlier. Mama’s always know best, so trust their judgement because urine good hands.

URINE JOKESSSS.  HAAAAA.

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