On my way home from work, my sister and I stopped at the supermarket to pick up a few things, and in the process, I learned a few things.
1) I have no food in my house.
2) I should really shop with a list.
3) Hot guys food shop.
For all da single ladies out there, I was at the Gristedes on 31st and 3rd. Fo realz though. They were everywhere. It was as if Cornell or UPenn vomited and all their hungry and nicely dressed Jewish banker alums. Each one was cuter than the next. Button downs, nice hair. I was hungry and not for dinner. 😉 I really noticed these manly gems when my sister and I were making chubby bunny jokes about how many people could die when eating the new GINORMOUS marshmallows they now sell. Literally the size of my fist. I was tempted to buy them, but I resisted. A group of hotties was laughing at us/with us/at our joke/at the marshmallows? Whatever. I stared at them. What do I care? What guys food shop in threes? I laugh at YOU!
And then it dawned on me.
Gristedes will be my new haunt. Where I pick up lettuce, windex and dudes.
I’ve got the perfect pick up situation. It happened tonight, but of course not with a cute guy. I’m going to say the only not cute guy in the store, but of course he was more than nice. DUH. Always happens that way! But anyway, my sister and I were attempting to get two tubs of Fluff from the top shelf. Why were they up there?? I know! I asked myself the same thing! Don’t they know the delight that is an animal cracker with fluff on it?
Obviously both of us are an ogreish 5’2” and couldn’t even reach the top when we climbed up a few shelves. Quick thinking, we grabbed a loaf of bread to smack those suckers down but, don’t you know it, it doesn’t work and we are left looking like assholes, waving a loaf of bread around in the air as we climb the shelves like monkeys and laughing hysterically. This nice gentleman walks down the aisle, arms full of crap, and we politely ask him, “Would you mind helping us out for a sec? Could you reach those tubs of Fluff for us so we can go home and stuff our faces?” And he was like “Heck yeah, you bet I can, you beautiful babes, can I marry you now?” and he too had to knock the Fluff off the shelf. Way too high Gristedes.
Words may have been changed a little in the retelling of this story, but he was nice enough to get us the Fluff.
It got me thinking. Food shopping is such an ice breaker. I could lurk in the beer area, looking all confused and lost like a puppy that just wants to get drunk and the guys will come over to grab some shitty beer (because secretly I love beer and know what’s good and what’s not) and I will be like “I could use a beer recommendation, do you know what’s good?” and sure enough they’ll say something bad but props for trying and we will go on a date and I will show him actual good beer. Then we will get married.
Next situation. Produce department. Insert: Melons. Do I even need to continue?
It was far too easy to find a picture like this on google.
But seriously. I can’t wait to run out of food and try out my theory. Will let you know how it goes!
And no, Gristedes doesn’t carry the new Pretzel M&M’s! SADFACE! They are amazing!