There are just so many things I want to accomplish before I inevitably kick the bucket. Don’t worry. This won’t be a morbid pity party post about me being sad after reading a Nicholas Sparks book and wishing my life were more like that of Miley Cyrus in The Last Song. (Haven’t seen the movie yet, but I secretly want to! Not so secret anymore. If we’re airing all here, I also downloaded her new song on Itunes. It’s really good.) One bullet point on my bucket list that I’m not embarrassed about it that I want travel to Asia. Aside from the fact that I love sushi and all Asian cuisine, I totally admire Anthony Bourdain and every episode of No Reservations where he goes to Asia and tries all the crazy foods.
I too would try everything deep fried, including bugs and scorpions. Because why not? A little protein in my diet never hurt. Aside from the exotic foods there, I also have a weird obsession with everything min-sized. It may have started with the dollhouse that my parents got me for my birthday one year and all I wanted to do was live in that house. It was awesome. It had electricity and a working doorbell. Ding dong how cool are my parents?? But anyway, Asians just make the coolest little mini things. When I was younger I collected pens (random. does this even surprise you.) and my sister and I went into our favorite Japanese stationary store that sells everything Hello Kitty and we were looking around at the mini pens, mini pencils, mini staplers, and after we left, my sister FREAKS OUT, realizing she accidentally shoplifted a pack of mini colored pencils! It’s not her fault though, because they fit so perfectly in her hand. So when I travel to Asia, I want to buy myself a all sorts of mini things like a mini cellphone, so I can be like Zoolander.
Before I croak, I’d also like to try out bangs. Probably in wig form since my jew fro would never allow it, but I’d like to try it nonetheless. Sometimes when my hair is straight I like to flip my hair over the back of my head and over my forehead and pretend. That I don’t look like a drag queen. Another thing I’d love to do is train guide dogs. (www.guidedog.org)
I’m completely positive that I would go into a deep depression after having to give up my loyal companion after our 1 year long tender and loving friendship, but I would be comforted in knowing that whatever blind person was assigned my dog would never be lonely, even on the toilet. That’s where the dog and I would have our best chats. But my list could go on forever so I’ll skip to the real point of my post. I actually accomplished one of my goals.
I have paintballed.
You read that right. I have willingly put myself in a situation where I would definitely be shot at and definitely be hurt. And it did hurt. I won’t lie to you. You know how you read about women whose babies get trapped under cars and the adrenaline rush they get allows them to lift the car and get the baby out safely? Well my imaginary baby was held at paintball gunpoint and my adrenaline rush did not disappoint. First, let’s start by describing how I prepared myself for this paintball extravaganza. I decided that in case of emergency, like if my leg was shot in battle and my limb swelled so badly that my pants had to be cut off, my bikini area had to be presentable for the EMT’s. I mean, who knows, he could be the future Mr. Sushi.Steak.Cupcakes! My mom is beaming with pride right now. My dad has just unsubscribed from reading my blog. So I made myself “presentable” and it’s a good thing because that’s exactly where I got shot! Upper upper thigh and up my sides and Luckily no ambulances were involved, but I did get to show off my battle wounds to my friends. I tried to wear clothes that I could possibly throw away and would help me get less hurt, but when you’re picking through piles of juicy jumpsuits (I don’t know what I was thinking) it’s really slim pickin’s. It’s hard out there for a JAP. So I found a pair of velour sweatpants I bought at target and I wore a bright teal long sleeved shirt. Turned out teal was not the best color to wear. I was the brightest target on the field! I had one guy come up to me after and apologize for shooting me so often, but he couldn’t help it since he just looked for my shirt and went to town. At least he apologized. After paintballing, drenched in fish oil from the ammunition, and reeking of, you guessed it, fish oil, we all went out for margaritas. Nothing cures pain and everything in life, like tequila.
You all should try paintball if you haven’t. I’ll even go with you. I promise I’m not that great. I’m not out for blood, like the grown men that were there. I do it just for fun. I’m addicted now. Is this how you feel after you get a tattoo that you actually like? (Not these people.) Bummertown!
Awkward ending of post – here.