New Year’s Outlook

I’m not big into New Year’s resolutions really, because as well all know, no one ever keeps them, but this year I decided on a New Years outlook: To be healthier and take care of myself in 2010. It’s like a resolution, but without all the horrible strings attached like commitment and guilt. Don’t you hate those? If anything happens, you know, let’s say I go crazy and drunkenly stumble to the Corner Bistro and slam back 3 beers, a Bistro Burger and some fries, than I can just tell people I changed my outlook. Don’t get me wrong people. I’m not giving up beer, red meat and fries. Ever. Let’s be honest here. This is the honesty blog. Would wild squirrels every give up acorns? Maybe she would find some bird seed that was low fat with good carbohydrates and no trans fats, but if the squirrel just wanted to let loose one night at Tenjune and got the drunk munchies, who would have the heart to tell her “Don’t eat that acorn, it gives you cellulite.” I’m just going to do everything in moderation, so only 1 beer, a burger and fries. You see? I don’t want my body to go into shock!

Speaking of shock, did you guys check out those twins on The Biggest Loser? They almost weighed a ton together! That’s a whole lot of person! Even though I am a twin, I still can’t believe they weighed only 1 pound different at initial weigh in and then they lost the same amount of weight! There was a lot of wiggle room there! I shouldn’t be surprised though. My sister and I have always been really close in weight. Like right now we weigh .4 lbs different from each other. That’s like 1 hanky panky thong. I’m the one who weighs less right now, but I totally look fatter and have no muscle tone. For serious. I am like Gumby but less green. But we don’t ever really compete over our weight. Like I would never put whole milk in her Skim Plus carton. Or feed her fat pills in her sleep. DO THEY MAKE FAT PILLS??

You know who needs fat pills? This one:

That’s Rachel Zoe in the newest US Weekly. I almost threw up, but I bet she would have enjoyed that so I swallowed it back down. Take that, ya skinny bitch! I eat vomit. The secret to her skeletal shape, you ask? Nonfat lattes and air. I will never become one of your “Zoebots” Rachel Zoe! So what if I can’t fit into designer clothes? I’d sell them for the cash anyway. Times are tough, man. Peoples got to eat! Well, not all people.

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