1 + 1 = 2

I’ve already posted this on Facebook since that’s what really makes things legit these days, but for all my 7.5 readers, I am re-posting this message in case you didn’t catch it.

It’s not often that I post naked photos of myself online without receiving payment, but I just HAD to wish the most amazing sister in the world, my Zoe, the happiest of birthdays! Sharing a bathtub, sharing a womb, sharing a birthday, forever.  I love you so much and there’s no one I’d rather share my birthday with, except Beyonce.

And in our idol’s famous words, I say this:  “I don’t know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two, it’s me and you.”  All my past teachers can vouch that I, in fact, know nothing about algebra.   Love you, Z.

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I’ll Be Watching You

My birthday is fast approaching (tomorrow!) and this week and weekend will be filled with celebrations.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining.  I love celebrating my birthday, because it means I have survived another year.  So many things could happen over the course of a year that I feel grateful when I make it through.

Last night, I had dinner with a few family members since my Grandma was visiting from Florida.  It wasn’t really a birthday celebration, but gifts were given.  Now, I must explain that my Grandma is a stereotypical Jewish Grandma with her amazing cooking, her not so subtle hints to get married and have some grandkids, and her tattooed eyebrows.  Wait, that’s not a thing?  Anyway, her gift to me was PERFECT.

A picture frame…with her picture in it.

Priceless.

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Primed For Amazon Prime

After lots of pushing from friends, as well as Amazon, to upgrade to Amazon Prime, I have finally decided to do so.  For just $75 dollars a year I get free 2-day shipping on Prime eligible items, access to Amazon movies on my Roku player, and free books for my Kindle!  There are probably even more benefits to having it, but I don’t need to see anymore!  I’m sold.

So I sign into my Amazon account and go to upgrade to Prime, and I see that Amazon has so nicely suggested some Prime eligible items based on my purchase history.  How nice of them!  So I go down to look at their suggestions and what do I find?

1. An Ab wheel.

2.  My hair product that I use religiously. (Okay, fine)

3. A Glass Pleasure Wand (that comes in assorted colors.)

4. Antibacterial Adult Toy Cleaner

What are you suggesting Amazon?!?!  Are you saying that I need to lose a few pounds, because I’ve been lonely self-pity-eating?  But don’t worry, my hair has looked great since I’m running low on hair product.  And thanks, Mom/Amazon, I really should clean my toys once I purchase them. WHAAAT?!? For those of you that know me, it is almost scary to see how accurate Amazon is about my personality.  It really does know how much I care about my stomach, my hair and my vagina!

I just want my Grandma to know that I have never bought a sex toy from Amazon.  I may have bought a small bottle of lube at one point in my life, but what ISN’T better with lube I ask you!  I dare someone to answer that question.  Use the comments section.

 

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Wafels & Dinges

Last night, in a moment of weakness, I let my nose run wild, leading me underneath the awning of a bright yellow food truck lurking at the entrance/exit of Trader Joe’s on 14th street. Usually I see the Wafels and Dinges truck parked by Astor place as I’m coming and going from yoga, so I’m more distracted by sweating and showering  than the sweet delicious smells of freshly baked Belgian Wafels.  And no, I am not spelling Wafels wrong you Americans!  It’s what they call it in Brussels, son! Get with it!

These waffles/wafels can be either savory or sweet, depending on your dinges (pronounced ding-eez), otherwise known to us common folk as toppings.  Savory wafels can be topped with anything from bacon and syrup, to pulled pork , or chilli.  The sweeter versions can be loaded up with whipped cream, chocolate fudge, Nutella, bananas, strawberries and even this heaven-like spread called Spekuloos.

What is Spekuloos, you ask? Spekuloos spread has the consistency of peanut butter, but the amazing taste of – GINGERBREAD COOKIES!  I attempted to take a picture of my Spekuloos-ed wafel, but it looked like a waffle topped with diarhea, so I decided to steal one off of google images.

There we go.

Now go forth and find this truck, and chase it down the street if you have to, because God Dinge, if this isn’t one of the most delicious things I’ve eaten off the street, than I don’t know what is!

 

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30 Things To Do Before You’re 30

Lately there has been a lot of talk about these lists of 30 things to do before you are 30 (here’s one of them).  Seeing as I am less than a month shy of turning 26, I am not too worried about reaching these goals, but I thought it might be nice to write my own list of 30 things I have done or want to do before I’m 30.

1.  Have hairless armpits. (Laser hair removal is cheap these days with Lifebooker deals!)

2.  Make $85k a year, because it’s a nice number and I work hard and deserve it.

3.  Drink 8 glasses of water a day. This is my constant struggle because I feel like I’m internally drowning.

4.  Allow yourself to be happy.  Everyone is capable of it, even me!!

5.  Read “Fifty Shades of Grey” or a book similar to it, not because it’s well-written, because it’s not, but because it’s amusing and ladies should be mentally stimulated, as well as physically!  (Erase this from your memory, Mom and Dad.)

6.  Communicate!  With your family, friends, significant others, coworkers, everyone!  Nothing feels better than being honest and open.

7.  Buy awesome shoes that you really like, even if you only wear them once, because at that moment you were SO smokin’.

8.  Just because you want a dog, doesn’t mean you should have one at this exact moment.  Having a dog is like having a hairy baby that never grows up and eats your shoes.  Make sure you are prepared.

9.  Get a shower radio and listen to it whenever your roommate isn’t sleeping.  Get out all those crazy moves you have so you don’t feel the urge to do them in public.

10. Number 9 leads me to number 10.  Live alone.  If I’m 30 and still living with a roommate, someone slap me in the face and tell me to stop re-organizing my spice cabinet. Get a life, Alexa.

11.  Go to Asia and while there, find the secret to aging.  Asians live to be about 307 years old, but somehow they look 29.

12.  Eat ice cream.  Seriously.  Whenever you get that craving, just eat it.  Life is too short to deprive yourself of things you want.  Just go to the gym the next day and don’t worry about it.

13.  Get REALLY nervous about something and then go do it.  We all have our fears, but let’s tackle at least one.  Let’s not go crazy here.

14.  Fall in love.  I can’t speak from experience here, but I hear only good things.

15.  Go to Vegas.  I’ve never done this because I hate the thought of losing money and that’s pretty much the reason you go to Vegas, to gamble, but I think that if I give myself a cap and I’m able to remember it after a night of drinking, I might be golden.

16.  Go commando on purpose.  We’ve all forgotten underwear when packing or had “an accident”after eating Indian food, but there’s got to be something thrilling about knowing that when you walk over a subway grate, you may or may not give the surrounding strangers a peek at your hoohah.

17.  Go on a cruise.  There is something so amazing and lazy about having your hotel travel WITH you.  You only have to move a muscle and you can find 9 bottomless buffets all serving sausage and sushi.

18.  Go bungee-jumping and try not to shit yourself.  JUST TRY IT.

19.  Play a team sport.  Whether it was in college or you joined a Zog Intramural team, there’s nothing like high-fiving at the end of a game and knowing that you are the weakest link, goodbye.  At least you tried!

20.  Scream in the middle of the desert.  I’ve done this once in Israel and it was mind-blowing and amazing and I will never forget how it felt.

21. Volunteer.  It feels so nice to take some time out of your day to help others and then treat yourself to a delicious lunch after. (Join New York Cares with me!) Let’s paint a school!

22. Have an immature sense of humor.  Laugh if an old person farts and doesn’t even hear it.  THAT’S FUNNY.

23.  Take a mental health day.  Maybe you call in sick and end up staying in bed all day watching HBO Go, or maybe you go food shopping at Fairway, but if that’s what you need, do it.

24.  Have your heart broken.  It proves that you can FEEL.  And move on and be better because of it.

25.  Go on a spur of the moment vacation to wherever your heart desires.  It will feel great to be spontaneous but it will be so worth it! You might need to sell your eggs in order to make up for the money you spent, but at least you will give your parents a grandkid.

26.  Weed out bad friends and cherish the good ones.  Why spend time with people who you don’t like? It’s a simple as that.

27.  Do a juice cleanse once, and never again.  It’s nice to test your willpower, but when you start getting bitchy because you miss chewing, no one wants to be around you, no matter how clear and bright your skin looks.

28.  Pamper yourself.  Get a mani/pedi when you’re feeling down or a a Brazilian wax when you’re not feeling sexy.  Maybe even a blow out or a massage when you are stressed.  There’s nothing more important than taking care of yourself.

29.  Read.  Magazines, books, blogs, whatever you can get your hands on.  All those people that live to be over 100 years old on NBC’s Smuckers Happy Birthday segment with Willard Scott say that reading has kept them sharp.  I believe it.

30.  Tell people how much they mean to you.  I tell my family and friends all the time how much I love them.  Life is too short to keep your feelings inside and who doesn’t love to hear it!

 

And that’s it!  Your list might be a little different…not everyone likes Brazilian waxes, but take a moment to think about what you’d like to accomplish.  It’s fun!

 

 

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Under The Influence of Fitness

“Oh, sorry guys, I can’t go to dinner tonight. I’m going to the gym instead!”

Words that have never escaped my mouth.

When given the opportunity to socialize versus do anything strenuous that will involve sweat, I will always pick socialize.  Every.  Time.  But what if I didn’t have to choose?  

Some smart and saavy Manhattan ladies had the brilliant idea to open Uplift, a women only gym that offers workout classes with a boozy cocktail hour as cool-down.  One may sip on bottomless red and white wine while shmoozing with other like-minded gals who just want to eat cheeseburgers during the day and get draaank at night.  Sometimes the ladies may even get a little frisky and have unlimited whiskey!

Girl chat and wine is an unbeatable combination that is proven to elevate your mood and keep you healthy.  Who says?  I DO. Maybe also some doctors. I don’t know.

I’ll definitely have to try this place out not only for all the health benefits, but mostly because I just love drinking in spandex.

READY SET BOOZE

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Sick Girl Dinner

So I’ve been a little under the weather this past week and I’ve been experiencing weird cravings due to my symptoms.  Sometimes your body just wants what it needs and you can’t ask questions.  Not pregnancy cravings like cake and pickles (I always want that), but things that will feel good on my throat since it’s very sore.  I doesn’t matter what time of day it is, all I’ve been wanting is ice cream.  8am? Okay.  It just feels so cooling and bad for you.  I also wouldn’t mind ramen soup for breakfast or perhaps mashed potatoes.

A couple nights this week I devoted my entire evening to going to bed around 7 or 8 and sleeping through the entire night.  I really think it saved me from getting much sicker.  You know what also saved me?

This romantic picture was taken from my bed as I sat with spoon and carton in hand, watching a movie about a middle aged straight woman and man who find love in a gay bar.

You can find other romantic pictures like this on a blog called Single Girl Dinner where single girls post pictures of what they’re eating when no one is looking.  Some of my favorites include a glass of Baileys and a half a jar of peanut butter. Been there, gurl.

The blog, which is still very up and coming, even posts tweets from this thing called Twitter (you might have heard of it), including one that I consider very close to my heart. “Tonight I dedicated my yoga practice to Popeyes.”  Namaste, Single Girl.

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